My creating today felt like a big struggle...

Yes indeed. A big f... struggle! I ended up crying not knowing what to do with myself. Why does this always have to happen??? Why does it always have to happen?! Each time when I feel so happy and living my life from within my inner artist, feeling so excited about getting up in the morning and being off, having all day to myself to CREATE! Yeah, right - to Create!!! But what happens when I actually get up? Why does it have to be so hard? I feel so excited about doing it, can't wait to start but then as soon as I start I feel stressed, impatient, frustrated, judging myself that I can't do it properly, that it is taking me forever,.... and that I just can't do it,... I am not happy with any medium coz some degree of patience is required whether you are drawing or painting.
But I am just not patient with myself at all. I just bloody wanna see that end result there straight away. And I thought creating was all about the process - about enjoying the process and not hurrying up to see the ready picture.
I really don't know how can I possibly just let myself draw without expectig anything, without criticising myself before I have even started, without expecting this perfect 'work of art' that probably exists only in my perfectionist's mind!!!!
I pray for compassion, compassion for my Inner Artist, for my Beautiful Inner Artist coz she so desperately wants to express herself but I stand in her way so much, I destroy every attempt for her to do so.
Dea Universe, please give me compassion for my Divine Self, for my Inner Artist, give me Love, Compassion and Acceptance coz I so desperately need them if I am to express myself at all and not stay stuck for the rest of my Life. Please make me believe that I am an Artist. That I am one of your precious Artists. Thank You xxx

I tried to paint with my beautiful watercolour set that my dearest brother gave me for my birthday (31/12) So I have waited for 12 days feeling excited to try it out but when I finally did today I ended up crying because I felt like I failed, like I can't paint with watercolour. I was just so impatient about the colour drying and I wasn't sure how to put the layers of colour on top of each other... I did my first ever watercolour painting from real composition and I expect it to be bloody perfect!!! Straight away! I just can't give myself time to learn! I just can't give myself some credit for actually practicing drawing every day even if I am reluctant and for setting up a real composition and committing myself to do the painting. All I can see is that I can't paint with watercolour - after one painting!!! Oh my God!!!! this is really crazy. it doesn't suprise me that my Inner Artist ended up crying!! who wouldn't?!
But she still didn't give up even after all that criticism, after all that stress, she still kept her head up and carried on, put on some of her favourite hip hop on and did the second drawing - this time with oil pastels trying to listen to Niggaz With Attitude and not her critic and perfectionist. And this is what came up from that freestyling.

But was I happy with it? Not sure. I have moments when I look at it and really love it but then when I look again I keep seeing imperfections. But I'm bloody sure that if I found that picture somewhere on the internet and it was done by somebody else I am pretty sure I would love it and admire it! But because I created it, it just seems to be nothing special.
And even though I know there are still many things to improve in my drawing, I really have to give myself some credit for what I achieved. So far I've been practising only by copying drawings from drawings in books, which is much easier than to do a drawing from a real life composition. It's much easier to draw shadows if they've been drawn by somebody else, so that I can just copy them but it's a different story if I have to observe them on a real object. And I have only just started to draw from real compositions so I better be proud of myself!
But I know I keep writing it here that I should be proud but do I really feel it? No. And that definitely is heartbreaking for my Inner Artist coz she so desperately wants me to be proud of her. She wants that so so much!!!
I will do my best to be proud of her, to show her my Love and Acceptance and Encouragement but I do struggle with those things at the moment. Well, at least I definitely did today. May tomorrow bring some light, some hope that it will become easier each day - to honor my Beautiful Inner Artist and to love her for who she is. I need to love her because She is Me.